The opening 120 words
Six sentences at the top of a treatment page do more work than the two thousand below them. This module is about writing those six.
PrerequisitesModule 10 · Treatment page anatomy
The opening block of a treatment page is about 120 words and six sentences: what it is, what it does and how long that lasts, who it suits and who it does not, who performs it and their registration, what it costs as a range, and the next step. Written this way it is complete on its own, which is what makes it useful to a reader in a hurry and quotable by an answer engine.
What you will be able to do
By the end of this module you will be able to:
- Write a six-sentence opening block for any treatment.
- Test the block by removing the rest of the page and checking that it still stands.
- Avoid the four openings that waste the reader's attention.
- Understand why this block is the one most likely to be quoted elsewhere.
Why the opening carries so much
Readers arriving from search have not chosen your page; they have chosen a result and are now checking whether it was the right one. That check takes a few seconds and it happens entirely within the first screen. Everything below is read only by people who passed that check.
The opening block therefore has two jobs at once: to confirm the reader is in the right place, and to give the impatient reader everything they need in case they read nothing else. Those jobs are compatible. Writing to satisfy the second automatically satisfies the first.
The six sentences
What it is
In the patient's words, not the clinical register. If the clinical term is the word a patient uses, use it. If not, lead with the patient's word and give the clinical term in the same sentence.
What it does, and for how long
The effect, described concretely, with duration stated as a range and with the plain qualifier that duration varies. This sentence is where clinics most often over-promise, and the claim rules in Module 05, The rules that constrain everything you publish apply directly.
Who it suits, and who it does not
One sentence, both halves. The second half is what distinguishes this page from the four identical pages the reader has already seen this morning.
Who performs it here
Role and registration, briefly. The full practitioner block comes later on the page; this is the one-line version that travels.
What it costs
A range with the variable named. "From x to y depending on the number of areas treated" is a sentence a reader can act on. Module 12, Price, and what you may say about it deals with the cases where this is genuinely difficult.
The next step
One line. A consultation, what it costs if anything, and how long it takes. No urgency, no offer, no countdown.
Four openings to delete
These four appear on a very large proportion of clinic treatment pages and every one of them wastes the reader's first ten seconds.
| Opening | What it signals |
|---|---|
| "In today's fast-paced world, looking your best has never been more important." | That nobody has read this page since it was written, and that the rest will be equally generic. |
| "Here at [clinic], we pride ourselves on..." | That the page is about the clinic rather than the treatment, and the reader's question is not going to be answered soon. |
| "[Treatment] was first discovered in..." | That the writer had a word count to reach. |
| "Are you tired of looking tired?" | A rhetorical question that presumes a dissatisfaction the reader may not have, and reads as pressure under the codes in Module 5. |
The replacement in every case is the same: begin with what the treatment is. It is the least clever opening available and it is the one that works.
The standalone test
Cover the rest of the page. Read only the opening block. Then answer four questions: what is this, is it for me, what will it cost, and what do I do next. If any answer is missing, the block is not finished.
This is a harder test than it sounds, because writers instinctively defer information to later sections where it can be treated properly. Deferral is correct for detail and wrong for the answer. Say the thing, then elaborate.
Why machines quote this block
Answer engines and search snippets both look for a passage that answers a question completely and independently of its surroundings. A block written to the standalone test is, by construction, exactly that passage.
This is not a trick and it is not written for the machine. It is a case where the thing that serves a hurried reader and the thing a machine can lift are the same thing, which is the general principle set out in Module 19, Writing so answer engines can quote you. Google's documentation on controlling snippets is worth reading once, mostly to understand that you influence snippets by writing better passages rather than by configuring anything.
Rewriting yours
The rewrite is fast once the structure is clear, and the hardest part is cutting the existing opening rather than editing it. Editing preserves the shape of what was there. Start from the six sentences on a blank page and you will finish sooner and better.
Do this for the page you rebuilt in Module 10, The anatomy of a treatment page first, then for the next three on your build list. After four, the pattern is automatic.
Six sentences, three treatments
An hour. Blank page. Do not look at your existing opening until step five.
- Choose three treatments from your build list.
- For each, write the six sentences on a blank page, in order, with nothing else.
- Apply the standalone test to each: what is this, is it for me, what does it cost, what next.
- Read each aloud to somebody outside the field and ask them the same four questions afterwards.
- Only now, compare with your existing openings. Note which of the four bad openings you were using.
- Publish the new opening on one page only, and leave the other two for a fortnight so you have a comparison.
The workbook includes a ruled six-line template. Most people find the second sentence, duration, the hardest, because it forces a decision about what you are willing to claim.
Questions readers ask about this module
Is 120 words a rule?
It is a target that produces the right density, not a rule. Six complete sentences at normal length land near it. If your block is 200 words, check whether sentences two and three have acquired qualifications that belong further down the page.
What if I cannot give a price range?
There are narrow cases, mostly where the treatment is highly individualised, and Module 12 covers them. In those cases the sentence states what the consultation costs and what determines the eventual figure. Saying nothing at all is not one of the options.
Should the opening repeat the page title?
It should contain the treatment name naturally, which usually means it echoes the title without repeating it word for word. Writing the title again as the first sentence wastes one of your six.
Does this apply to concern pages too?
The principle does: answer first, elaborate afterwards. The six specific sentences are shaped for a treatment. A concern page's opening names the problem, says what causes it, and says what the range of responses is, then links onward.
Sources and primary references
Disclosure. This module contains no commercial links of any kind. This course is published by Northbank Media, is free to read, and is funded by the workbook pack and by clearly labelled series sponsorship. We do not rank, review or recommend agencies or clinics.
Module 11 of 32